St. George Down Under

The End of My Coolness. *Shrug*

January 29, 2009 at 12:52 pm (Preppin in the States) (anxiety, fear of vomiting, itching, over-active brain, post-traumatic stress, psychologist, throwing up, vomiting)

Well, for the past few weeks I’ve been kinda preppin mentally and monetarily for Australia. I’ve been volunteering at Bush Monday Tues Thurs, which has been fun and interesting. I don’t know though, it has caused me a lot of angst. I’m not sure if being a vet would be fulfilling enough or interesting enough for me. No offense to those who are in the profession. It’s just something that I have really been struggling with. I would love to hear more comments! I love talking to people and going out of my way to help them, but maybe not helping them DIRECTLY would be a problem. I’m just a basket case right now. I LOVED working for Jerry’s for that reason, just absolutely going out of my way to help people’s lives easier. 

I’ve been makin a lil money helpin Nick and his mom Sherie out at their place, doin work for her. We cleaned out this storage space that was craaaaaazy messy, its taken us forever! First we took everything out, painted everything, and are now sortin through it and gettin rid of stuff. It’s great to hang with Nik tho, his friendship is one of the most valuable things that I have. It’s crazy how much we have changed since we first became friends, and changed into people that maybe normally wouldnt hang out with each other. For most of high school we were in different cliques, different groups, and did different things, but we kept coming back to the friendship. I think this has made us both stretch ourselves and grow/mature. It’s a freakin awesome thing! And he might actually visit me during the end of my trip. Now THAT would be awesome!

Also, saw Aaron Scott Greig, the first great-grandchild in the family, on Monday. He’s the son of Brian and Annie Greig, my cousins, and is absolutely incredible. Here’s a pic, if you want more, go here–http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=206907&l=df30d&id=692785536

DISCLAIMER–IF YOU THINK I AM COOL AND WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE BELIEVING IT, STOP READING NOW!!!

My itching has kinda cropped up again, and its frustrating/freakin’ me out. Alright, I’m gonna get pretty personal here, but it’ll be liberating for me, hopefully interesting for you, and maybe shed some light on shiznit. Everybody has their own crap to deal with. Some people its physical stuff, other people emotional, as in a lack of self-respect for others, or low self-esteem. Some people have social skills that are lacking, other people family stuff is difficult, and still others have difficulties with mental issues. If I had to put myself in a category, I would probably be in the latter. I don’t have mental problems per se, but I do have an overactive brain that makes things very difficult and frustrating for myself. I have seen a psychologist for, jeeze, idk, 8 years or so, for anxiety and depression, and he has really helped me out, not only with those issues, but with perspectives on life. He says that I am a bright and intelligent person, and many times people who are bright have overactive brains. Therefore, when my brain isn’t being stimulated, it finds things for itself to do. These things annoy the hell out of me, and start to become somewhat obsessive rituals that are extremely difficult to stop.

For one, I began seeing my psychologist because I was, and am, extremely and obsessively scared of throwing up…it is a phobia of sorts. When I was in 3rd grade I was sick and had to throw up, and the teacher wouldn’t let me leave the classroom. I threw up in the hall, and a girl told the class about it. It’s really not that big of a deal, but I guess at that time it was an extremely scarring incidence, one that i have post-traumatic stress from. For YEARS, and even now, when I am in a classroom and don’t have an easy way to leave, I get nervous I will throw up. The nerves in turn make me feel sick, which in turn make me feel like I’m gonna throw up, which in turn…you get it. In middle school and grade school I would leave school feeling sick, only to find out 20 minutes later I was fine. This happened many times. Currently this applies to cars, trains, airplanes, stuff like that. I have learned ways to deal with it, and I am getting past it. It’s not something to feel sorry about, its just very annoying.

This crazy brain has also introduced me to depression and OCD stuff, it drives me crazy! Think of if I could focus it into something constructive- I would be a genius! Well, the itching ties into this. Last summer I began itching during work; it would only be when I was working up a sweat. A few weeks later I developed red dots all over my chest. The itching began on my face, into my hair, then chest, arms, legs, feet. It was debilitating, I had to stay indoors, couldn’t leave the house, couldn’t do anything. Think of what it would be like if whenever you sweated you would break out into crazy, INSANE itching. I’m not talking about, “this sweater is itchy”, im talking about “I want to rip my skin off and can’t think of anything else” itchy. Doctors couldnt figure it out, i changed all soaps and deodorants, went to an allergist, who said it was Cholinergic Urticharia (google it). I took meds for it, which did nothing.

Then I saw my psychologist, an awesome guy, Dr. Pengelly!!!!! He told me he thought it was a stress reaction, something my mind was creating! What I think the real story is is that I used Proactiv, and had an allergic reaction to it. I stopped using it, but the itching remained for a little bit. Then I began to stress about how terrible it was if I had itching while i was in Australia, and this stress kept the itching going. It began a cycle where I would sweat, start to itch a little bit, freak out and stress, which would make me itch more. There have been hints to show that it isn’t cholinergic urticharia but IS a stress reaction. So there.

And now that it is getting closer, and I am getting stressed and anxious, and working with Nick, and sweating, I am itching more. And I am getting nervous that I will itch in Australia and it will ruin the trip! What will happen, however, is that I will get there, get into a routine, be relieved of stress, and be relieved of itching.

Dr. Pengelly gave me an incredibly important equation that applies to almost every aspect of our lives–Suffering=Pain X Resistance. He told me to name the itching Buggs Bunny, and whenever it cropped up to invite Buggs in, give him the most comfortable chair, show him where the Plasma tvs are, give him chocolate-covered carrots—just be happy that he is here. What that will do is take the resistance down to zero. And we all know that something multiplied by zero is zero. the end of suffering.

What I hope people get out of this is that we are not alone in our problems and difficulties. Just as everybody is unique in appearance and in who they are, so are we in out struggles. However, nobody does not have struggles, we just conceal them. I’ve gotten very good at concealing mine, but all that does is isolate us, make us think that we are the only ones with problems, and we are freaks. FREAKS. I feel like a freak. I do. But after talking to a person who has strikingly the same struggles as I have, I found that the weight of feeling I was ‘the other’ or ‘weirdly different’, or plain ‘weird’ (as I’ve been called many times, hahaa) lifting. And it was great! So here it is, here are my problems. You are not alone.

And my coolness may have diminished. But if anybody stops thinking I’m cool because of this, I frankly don’t really want their friendship. So its a win-win! Alright, I’m tired, and Australia is coming sooooon. As always, if you’re reading, please comment!! I LOVE having this thing interactive and hearing from you!!!

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